


Recipe for Disaster

by Kemis



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Community: kinkfest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-24
Updated: 2007-09-25
Packaged: 2017-10-06 14:40:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kemis/pseuds/Kemis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zack is a man on a mission. You'll better start running.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

In hindsight, they probably should have turned tail and run, pride be damned, when they saw Zack walk into the cafeteria with such a mournful expression.

Instead, given that they were still in the middle of having lunch, Sephiroth and Angeal kept their places, simply watching as he walked over and flopped down on a chair with a heavy sigh.

"What's with the long face, kid?" Angeal asked, helpfully handing him his cup of coffee. "Someone shot your pet cactuar? Again, I mean."

Zack grabbed the cup and hung onto it like a lifeline. "I tried to get drunk last night," he said with a pitiful voice. "'Tried' being the operative word."

Sephiroth and Angeal blinked at each other for a moment. It was no news that mako enhanced the metabolism, resulting in all external substances, from food to poisons, being burned out faster. That obviously also included alcohol. "And?"

"And I couldn't!" he cried, gesturing with his cup of coffee and almost making it slosh over. "I drank enough to give anyone else a bad case of alcohol poisoning, and I was barely even tipsy at best, and for less than ten minutes!"

"I still fail to see your point," Sephiroth said, honestly puzzled. "Or why you would want to drink so badly."

But the boy was in full rant mode, and he was ignoring everything the others said. "Mako boosts are a _bitch_," he went on, ignoring the General. "It wasn't enough that I had to fall in the 30% that loses all body hair, nooo. Now I can't even get drunk to mourn my lack of manly chest hair and handsomely rugged stubble!"

Angeal had to bit the inside of his cheek not to laugh, and caught Sephiroth's weird expression. He was likely trying to imagine Zack with a fuzzy chest and stubble, too.

"Damn it! I'm positive this was not even in the fine print in the consent modules I signed to get into SOLDIER." Zack slumped back in his chair with a resigned sigh. "How do you deal with it?"

"Well, I can't help you there. I do have a handsomely rugged stubble," Angeal said, amused.

"Not that! The being drunk part!"

"You're talking to the wrong people if you're fishing for sympathy," Sephiroth said, raising his eyebrow. "Both Angeal and I have been mako enhanced all our lives."

It was clear from Zack's face that he had forgotten about that tidbit of information. "Are you trying to tell me neither of you has _ever_ gotten drunk before?"

Both Angeal and Sephiroth nodded.

Zack's expression was, for lack of a better word, horrified. "That's terrible! Everyone should get drunk at least once in their life! It's, like, a rule!"

"If it is, I've never read it before in the Shinra regulations," Angeal replied matter-of-fact.

"No, seriously. It's an experience everyone needs to make. Taking a night off from stress, control, dignity and social mores." The boy eyed them for a moment. "And both of you sure as hell need it."

"Zack, you're barely seventeen. Even ignoring that drinking on the premises and owning alcohol beverages is forbidden, and that you're not even legal, you can't try to pass yourself off as some kind of drunkenness guru."

But Zack's eyes were already glinting dangerously.

"There _has_ to be a substance on this planet able to overcome even mako enhancements and, by Odin, I will find it! And then," he whirled around, pointing his fingers at them, "we will have a nice private party and drink our heads off together!"

With that the boy got up and ran off, leaving the two SOLDIERs staring after him.

"We're going to regret ever having this conversation, aren't we?" Angeal sighed after a moment.

"Likely yes," Sephiroth answered, going back to his lunch. "I admit I'm a bit curious, but neither of us ever said we'd go along with his plan."

Angeal snorted. "Yeah, right. Try telling no to a pup with a bone to pick."

///

"So, how is your holy quest to drunkenness going?" Angeal asked his pupil as they took a break in between spars.

"Not very well, so far," Zack admitted with a grimace. "Between me and the guys, I already covered about all liquors available in Midgar and none seems to do the trick."

"Oh. Did you actually get accomplices in this?"

"Nah, just asked the others to keep track of what kinds of liquor they drank on their nights out." Zack got a towel from his bag, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I'm starting to think it might be a matter of substance rather than quantity," he said, thoughtful. "You know, maybe ethanol just isn't the thing. I'll have to start experimenting."

"I can't really tell you anything until you break regulations by keeping drinks in your room, nor tell you what to do with your time off, but personally I think you should just let it go." Angeal shook his head with a sigh. "I'm warning you, though – if you end up poisoning yourself, I'll revive you just to kill you with my own bare hands."

///

Sephiroth lowered his paper to look at Angeal when the man sat down in the chair beside him in the lounge.

"Any updates on Zack's mad plan?"

"The boy is driving me crazy. Today he turned up with really bloodshot eyes and looking quite a bit green at the edges." He rubbed his forehead, trying to chase away his headache. "I think he's trying out paint thinner or something like that. I honestly don't want to know."

Sephiroth hid a smirk behind his paper. "He's very... dedicated."

Angeal sighed heavily. "I have no idea what to do with him. Technically he's doing nothing wrong according to regulation. He's not doing drugs, nor drinking on the job, and his stats haven't drop by even one point. Drinking paint thinner is stupid, but not forbidden."

"Let's just observe the situation for now," the General said, taking a bite from his cinnamon roll. "At least until he lands himself in the Infirmary."

///

"What the hell is that, Zack?"

Zack, who was coming out of the common shower, jumped at the sudden exclamation, turning around so fast he almost slipped and dropped his towel. "Don't jump out like that, please."

Angeal ignored him, frowning and pointing at his chest. "Why is your chest covered with red blotches?"

Zack winced inwardly. Shit, he had forgotten about that. "Oh. That's poison ivy."

"And how exactly did you get in contact with poison ivy in _Midgar_?"

"How, you ask?" The boy laughed weakly, doing his best not to fidget. "That's, uh, a very interesting story."

Angeal took one step forward, his expression shifting from displeased to menacing. "You didn't happen to drink it, did you?"

"...no?"

Angeal didn't look happy. At all. "When will you drop that thing, boy?"

"But I'm not doing anything against regulation!" Zack protested. "I just got a lead, I'm this close to find-"

"I don't _care_," the other interrupted him with a growl. "I don't care if you're not breaking regulations. If I catch again any kind of negative after effect of your little experiments on you, I'll banish you to toilet cleaning duty for so long that by the time you're done you'll have forgotten what a sword even looks like and you'll fight with a fucking mop, is that clear?"

Zack lowered his eyes with a sigh. "Yes, sir."

///

So far, in spite of Angeal's obvious exasperation, Sephiroth had been finding Zack's silly quest quite fascinating, if mildly puzzling at the same time. There was one thing he just didn't understand. He finally managed to confront Zack about it on the way back from a mission to Fort Condor.

"Is it really worth it, going through all of these pains just to come up with a way to get drunk?"

Zack seemed startled for a moment, then he rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish grin. "Per se, no, not really. Finding a way to loosen you and Angeal up without massive carnage and destruction being involved? Hell yeah."

///

And then, finally, it was over.

Angeal and Sephiroth were sitting in the office lounge as usual, having a coffee and a pastry, when Zack had walked in. The two exchanged a slightly worried glance when they saw the incredibly smug smirk the boy was sporting as he approached.

"I inform you that my quest has come to a close," he announced. "You're both invited to a friendly drinking party on Friday."

Angeal opened his mouth to decline, but Sephiroth motioned him to keep silent. They both knew that if they refused, the boy would just keep on insisting until they gave in.

"We'll come," Sephiroth answered for both of them. When in doubt, pretend to go along with the enemy and keep an escape plan ready.

///

They turned up at the time and address they were given, in their civvies, and just the slightest bit uncomfortable but damn well not showing it.

Zack answered to the door with a huge grin, bare footed, dressed in a pair of faded jeans and a white tank top. "Come in!"

Sephiroth walked in first, looking around to automatically spot all entrances and exit points before shrugging off his coat and hanging it to the boy, who hang it inside the hallway closet.

"Whose place is this?" Angeal asked, inspecting the place as he took off his jacket. "You live in the barracks."

"A friend of mine," Zack answered evasively. "The bathroom is that way, in the bedroom, if you need it. Go on, sit down and get comfortable, I'll be right back."

They went to sit on the couch. The coffee table was covered with bags of chips of all kinds and flavors, several cans of soda, bowls with assorted candies and chocolates, and a pile of movies.

Zack came out of the kitchenette a moment later, with a couple of plates full with sandwiches. "We're almost set. I have more food on the counter, and pizzas will be here any moment."

He gave the place a brief inspection before nodding satisfied and sitting on the armchair closest to Sephiroth. "So, does either of you know what you're in for?"

"Besides mayhem?" Sephiroth asked, picking a bag of rancho-flavored chips and opening it.

"Ha, ha. Okay, I'll start explaining." Zack was almost bouncing on his seat from eagerness. "Here you have your typical party food, both salty snacks and sweet treats. Sandwiches – mayo and tuna, chicken and ham – and sodas to start off the night with, to build up the suspense until the main dish – er, drink – is out. As for the entertainment, I have cards, if you're up for a poker game, there's a selection of movies to pick from, and a console and several video games graciously offered by our mysterious host. Any questions?"

Both Angeal and Sephiroth shook their head.

The doorbell rung. "Oh, right on time!" Zack whooped, and ran for the door, coming back a moment later with a stack of eight pizzas and a blond boy trailing after him. "Now that we're all here we can start."

It took Sephiroth a moment to place him, but he recognized him as the blond trooper that often hang out with Zack. "I thought this was a private party," he said with a frown. The whole idea of being drunk had gotten him a bit curious, but the presence of a stranger changed that.

The little blond went red at that. "I-I'm sorry, sir, I'll go right now!" He hastily saluted and ducked back toward the door.

"No, you're not" Zack answered, his tone firm, grabbing the boy before he had a chance to run. Ignoring the startled squeak, he tugged him back, making him twirl around and dipping him in front of the two SOLDIERs like a dancer. "May I present you my beautiful assistant for tonight, and best friend, the lovely Cloud Strife?"

"_Zack!_" The blond straightened up, face red-hot with embarrassment, and smacked his friend over his head, glaring daggers at him.

Angeal hid his smile behind his hand.

Zack grinned, but didn't let go of him. "To answer your question, sir General Sephiroth sir, yes, this is a private party, and Cloud here was invited for a precise reason, beside his being cute and my loving to have him around. _Ow!_"

The blond stepped heavily on Zack's bare foot with his military issue booted one, and took the chance to twist around out of the boy's hold.

"Damn, Spike, you could have broken my toe!" Zack complained, rubbing his offended foot for a moment before going back to explaining his plan. "Were was I? Oh, yes. Cloud is here is tonight's designed driver, just to assuage your fears."

The boy quickly ducked in the closet to hang his coat and scarf before catching the doubtful looks First Class Hewley and General Sephiroth were surely throwing his way.

"Not literally, as no one is driving anywhere, but he'll keep sober and make sure nothing goes wrong."

"How is a trooper supposed to keep things in check if one of us ends up losing control?" Sephiroth said, still frowning. "He's only going to get hurt."

"First, because he's more than good enough to be able to keep out of harm's way," Zack explained. Deciding that Cloud was taking too long in the closet, he went to take him and dragged him back to the living room. "Second, because he's equipping my Heal and Restore materia, and has a Potion in his pocket. If something happens he knows to cast a Cure or an Esuna on the most sober of us. Okay?"

The two SOLDIERs just stared at him for a long moment.

"So that's how you managed to turn up on duty looking just fine most of the time," Angeal said with a tiny smirk.

Zack looked uncomfortable for just a second. "Oops?"

The blond stopped trying to free his wrist from Zack and looked up with the expression of a deer caught in the headlights. "...I could wait outside, and check back every half an hour or so?" he offered quietly, starting to blush again.

Zack, feeling that no more protests were forthcoming from the others, wasted no time with giving him a reassuring pat on his shoulder that nearly knocked the breath out of him. "Nonsense, Spike! You shopped for most of the food tonight anyway, and I really look forward to see you trashing them at the submarine simulator game!"

///

So the evening began. Sephiroth was still trying to be reserved, sitting quietly in his corner of the couch, and Cloud kept flushing and trying to hide behind furniture if someone talked to him – except for smacking Zack over the head when the older boy teased him – but as the evening went by, things went better.

It turned out Cloud was really that good at the submarine simulator, and kept winning soundly until he was tickled by Zack into surrendering the controls. Zack challenged Sephiroth at a match of Grand Theft Chocobo, and won the first two games. At the third one, the General nodded to himself as if he had learned how the game worked, and won the following five games, until Zack gave up his spot to Angeal, demanding to be avenged by his master, and captured Cloud to give him a noogie, saying that he already had his own pet chocobo anyway.

The atmosphere was relatively relaxed when Zack finally whipped out his secret weapon.

"What," Sephiroth asked slowly, poking lightly at the glass in front of him, "is this supposed to be?"

"It's the answer to our prayers, you of little faith," Zack declared, with the proud look of a new parent, pouring the drink in another glass for Angeal.

"It's blue, and it's _glowing_," the man said.

"I know, hence its name, Glowy Blue--"

"_Zack_!" A full can of soda impacting with Zack's head followed the boy's indignant cry. "You _promised_!"

"_Ow_!" Zack rubbed the back of his head, looking put down for a moment. "Why do you keep throwing stuff at me?"

"Because you keep being an idiot," the blond hissed under his breath, and then louder, "What is the name of the drink?"

Zack sighed. "Recipe For Disaster. And I still don't understand why I can't pick out the name of my own drink, Glowy Blue Chocobo Cloud sounds just good, and I was trying to be nice, naming my masterpiece after you."

Both Sephiroth and Angeal stared at the content of their glasses, then turned to look at the blond perched on the armchair, who blinked back for a moment before blushing and curling up, cursing Zack under his breath. "I don't want my name to be associated with that thing, thank you."

Angeal chuckled, and Sephiroth hid a smile behind his hand. Indeed, the drink was the same hue of blue as the boy's eyes.

"So, what is there in this marvelous drink?" Angeal asked, picking up the glass and smelling it carefully. "And why in Alexander's name is it glowing?"

"A cook doesn't tell his secrets." Zack replied with a cheeky grin, filling another glass for himself.

"You are not a cook," Sephiroth frowned, obviously unconvinced, "and you will tell me the exact content of this thing if you expect me to drink it."

"Isn't it enough to know I already tried it and survived to tell the tale?"

"Boy, you drank paint thinner and who knows what else trying to make this stuff," Angeal said, equally amused and exasperated, "You're not exactly a prime test case."

Zack opened his mouth to reply, but nothing came out. The boy sighed, shaking his head. "Okay, you got me there, I admit it. But I swear it's not poisonous, I tried this stuff last weekend, and here I am, the worst thing that happened was the nasty headache I woke up with the following morning – ask Cloud!"

That was definitely the wrong thing to say. The blond nearly threw another soda can at his friend's head. He dry-swallowed when the two SOLDIERs turned their attention to him.

"Well, kid," Angeal begun, "do you know what ingredients are there in this drink?"

"N-not precisely," the boy stammered, fidgeting with a cushion.

"But you do know something," Sephiroth went on, his eyes catching and holding the boy's gaze. "Tell us the ingredients you are aware of."

Cloud tried to swallow again, but his throat muscles were locked. He looked up at Zack, who was waving and shaking his head frantically behind the two SOLDIERs. "...No, sir," he said in the end.

"No?" Sephiroth raised his eyebrow at that. Angeal looked faintly impressed. "Why not?"

The boy was pale and looked like he was about to keel over, but he didn't back down. "Because I don't want to be booted from the army just yet, sir."

"Ah, so finally it comes out." The look that Angeal aimed at Zack was both amused and reproachful. "So much for your righteous protests of doing nothing against regulations., and not having accomplices."

"Well, I never said anything about breaking the law," Zack protested weakly. "And Cloud is not my accomplice, he only checked on me once in a while to make sure I wouldn't be sick."

"What is there in the damn drink?"

Zack sighed. "Well, there _might_ be few contraband items, and a couple of things that weren't acquired through legal channels."

Sephiroth folded his arms and leaned back against the back of he couch. "I'm not drinking any unknown and potentially dangerous substance."

Cloud sighed soundlessly. He had _told_ Zack it wouldn't work out. Nothing else to do, now. "I will try it."

The three SOLDIERs started at him. He was faintly surprised his knees didn't fold under him when he got up to grab Zack's glass.

"Spike, put it down," the boy said, the worried look in his eyes seeming so strangely out of place. "You're not enhanced yet, this stuff really _is_ going to burn a hole in your stomach or put in you in a coma."

"Only a sip, and I have your materia, remember?" The blond smiled weakly. "It'll be fine."

He took a deep breath and lifted the glass to mouth. Only to find his lips block by a hand.

"Leave it, boy," Angeal took the glass from his hand and gave it back to Zack, shaking his head. "If you're willing to try the stuff in spite of knowing what's in it, it's enough."

With that, he lifted his own glass and swallowed a mouthful. And promptly coughed. "God damn it, this stuff burns like Helfire!" he said with a grimace.

"Isn't it great?" Zack laughed, good mood restored. "You stop paying attention to it after the first glass. Cheers!" He drained half the glass in one breath, and true to his word, he didn't cough, even if his eyes were a bit teary.

Sephiroth just watched the other two for a minute, to make sure that they were in no immediate danger of dying, then he picked up his glass and took a sip. Just as Angeal said, the liquid burned like fire down his throat, and it exploded like a grenade in his stomach. The taste was harsh, a bit chemical, with a herbal sweetly aftertaste. It was... not quite unpleasant, and Zack's satisfied smile was well worth it anyway.

"That's the spirit!"

///

Indeed, after the first couple of glasses, the harsh taste and the burn were really not that bad, probably because their taste buds shriveled and died at some point.

As Zack said, Cloud hovered just out of immediate reach, expertly dodging the few careless gestures that could have impacted, and took over pouring the drinks when their hands became too unsteady. Clearly, he had been around a drunk/high/experimenting Zack more than either of them wanted to admit.

Sephiroth was not the sullen drunk anyone would have expected. The drink had removed one or two of the filters he kept on his mouth, and quite a few comments and thoughts that he would have normally censored slipped out. He was quite entertaining.

Angeal was friendlier, a bit more cheerful and open. At some point he grabbed Zack and tugged him over, until the boy was pretty much sprawled over their laps.

By the the fifth glass, the three SOLDIERs were still amassed on the couch, with Zack nearly sprawled over Sephiroth's lap as they watched a movie, laughing themselves silly over Sephiroth's snippy remarks about the idiocy of the characters.

"So, anything else about this whole drinking experience we should try?" Angeal asked at some point, helping himself with now cold pizza.

Zack had to stop and think about it, leaning back against Sephiroth's chest and face scrunched up in concentration. "I can't think of," he admitted after a moment, voice slurred. "Spike, help?"

The blond shook his head. "I'm no expert. Except maybe throwing up and passing out somewhere weird, and drunken sex, I really don't know."

"Drunken sex," Sephiroth repeated, clearly unconvinced.

"Yep," Zack nodded with a snicker. "Drunken sex with random people you'll wake up remembering nothing of, or with someone you know but regret sleeping with. Or not."

"As if I need to get drunk to get laid," Sephiroth snorted.

Zack laughed, both at Sephiroth's objection and the way Cloud had gone red in the face.

"Careful, Seph, your libido is showing," Angeal warned.

"No offense, but you seem too wound up to really be getting some," the boy said with a snicker.

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed. "Oh, really?"

Before Zack had a chance to protest, the General grabbed him and draw him down for a deep, thorough kiss. By the time they came up for air, Angeal was watching the show quite attentively, and Cloud was materia-red in the face, and trying not to look.

Sephiroth licked his lips, studying at Zack's flushed expression with obvious satisfaction. Then, apparently reaching a decision, he threw the startled teen over his shoulder and got up from the couch.

"We'll see you in the morning," he said simply, before walking – just a bit unsteadily – to the bedroom and closing the door after him.

"Well, damn," Angeal laughed, slapping his hand on his knee, "I wasn't expecting that."

Cloud looked about to self-combust.

There were few minutes of silence, before the first moans started to echo from the bedroom.

The man leaned back on the couch, rubbing his face. "I should head back to the base, but I really don't feel like hauling my ass all the way there." He sighed faintly, looking at the blond still sitting in the armchair. "What about you?"

"I'm the one with the Potions and the materia, sir, so I have to hang around until morning," he said with a small rueful smile. "I brought my bed roll, though."

The first loud moans started to echo from the bedroom, causing the SOLDIER to chuckle. "I guess that means we both get the free show, then."

"Oh!" Suddenly remembering something, the blond got up from the armchair and ran to the hallway closet. Angeal heard him ransack in what had to be his bag for a minute before the boy came back with a triumphant expression. "Here, sir."

Angeal blinked. "Earplugs?"

The blond nodded. "They might not work as well for you, but it's better than nothing."

Angeal raised his eyebrow. "Do you know something I'm not, that you were so well-prepared?"

"Sir?" The boy looked startled for a moment, and then he shook his head frantically, flushed. "Nothing like that, sir. It's just that in the past few months, Zack had started to _sing_." The boy shuddered at the memory. "Have you ever heard Zack sing, sir? I don't recommend it."

Angeal chuckled. "I'll keep that in mind. And stop calling me sir, Cloud, I'm still drunk and not even on duty. Angeal's just fine"

The boy ducked his head to hide his blush. "O-okay."

Angeal put on the earplugs. His hearing was too enhanced for the plugs to do much, but they muffled the noise enough for him to focus on something else. "Well, then. How about a game of Grand Theft Chocobo?"

The kid's smile was really nice when he let go enough to stop blushing and stammering. "It'd be my pleasure, Angeal."


	2. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after...

Angeal woke up with a stifled groan, disoriented. He wanted to open his eyes but his lids felt like lead, and his body like a dragon had nestled on him for the night, and who the hell had summoned Titan to jump on his head, anyway? Laying still sounded like a damn good plan right now.

It didn't feel like he was in his bed, though. Where-? Oh. Right. Zack's "private party". What had happened? He recalled Sephiroth had stolen Zack at some point - lucky bastards - and he was watching tv with Cloud and then...? He didn't remember what had happened after that.

A movement made him realize that the weight that felt on his body was real, and not just general soreness, and it was stirring.

He managed to crack his eyes opened at the second attempt - heh, he wasn't First Class for nothing - and blinked warily. No, the yellow in front of his eyes wasn't Zack's drink still messing with his sight, but in fact fluffy spikes of hair tickling his face.

Carefully he got his elbow under him and leaned up a bit, doing his best to jump start his brain into remembering why Cloud Strife was sprawled half naked over his own bare chest. He was coming up with a blank, though.

In that moment, the door of the bedroom opened and Zack half-crawled,half-walked out, wearing only his boxers, grumbling something that resembled "Spike, materia, please". Angeal could only look helplessly as the boy came in clear sight of the couch and stopped dead in his tracks.

Zack blinked at them, rubbed his eyes and then looked again, still blinking. Angeal was trying to think of anything to say in his defense, when Zack finally broke out of his trance.

The young Second Class mustered up a grin, waving lightly. "We're doing this again next Friday, right?"


End file.
